Voices of the Inner Child
"Dancing Toward Beautiful":
"The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself." ~ Mark Twain
Nia
"Before starting on this journey with Nicole, I wasn't an active participant in my own life. I let every day pass me by, watching from a distance. I felt overwhelmed with sadness and couldn't understand why; I couldn't figure out what it was about my weight that weighed so heavily on my day-to-day existence. On the outside I seemed to be doing ok because I didn't know how to express the pain and loneliness that I felt on the inside. I found myself in such a dark place and knew I needed a change. At first I doubted it was even possible because how do you change years of unhappiness and ways of thinking?
At the age of 21, I finally took the initiative to seek out therapy. Emotionally and financially I was on my own. I was scared but knew I had reached an end of a road. After tragically losing two close friends and traveling to different places so I wouldn't have to face it all, I knew I had a decision to make. I could either continue to live my life in a cloud and never feel true happiness or I could reach out and ask for help. When Nicole first asked about my family, I thought: 'Of course, we are very close'. I had always seen the relationship between me and my parents in a positive light. They were very active with school and sports and over the years provided me with many amazing experiences. To friends we were the 'perfect family'.
~ swami kripalu"My beloved child,
Break your heart no longer.
Each time you judge yourself, you break your own heart.
You stop feeding on the love which is the wellspring of your vitality.
The time has come. Your time to live, to celebrate.
And to see the goodness that you are.
You my child are divine. You are pure.
You are sublimely free...
Do not fight the dark, just turn on the light.
Let go and Breathe into the goodness that you are."
It wasn't until beginning this journey that I started to open my eyes to the toxicity of some of their influence. I never questioned my dad for telling me that I was 'only pretty from the neck up', or poking my stomach whenever I reached for another cookie or cake or muffin that my mother would bake on a daily basis. However, I was told over and over again that I shouldn't be eating them. I can remember helping my mother bake but knew the look I would get from my parents if I ate too much. Their focus was constantly on my need to go to the gym as well as on how many 'failed attempts' I had with countless gym memberships and exercise equipment.
Throughout my childhood and into my early adulthood, I never knew what it felt like to look in the mirror and truly love the person looking back at me. I never developed any sense of self-confidence or self-awareness. I would tell myself that I would never be good enough to be loved by anyone because how can anyone really love someone who is 'overweight, selfish and lazy'? My father told me that he was the only one who really knew who I was as a person. The words stung deeply, but I had heard them so many times it was all I knew.
After a year of weekly sessions, I decided it was finally time to tell my parents about attending therapy. Therapy had become such an important part of my life, and I felt I could now share my experiences with others. Instead of providing encouragement and emotional support, my parents argued my reasoning for attending and questioned if it was really something that I should be spending my money on. I knew it might be difficult to share this with them but never could have imagined the scars their indifference and negativity would leave me with. After so many years of having such concern for my weight and how I looked, they showed no concern for what was happening on the inside. For the first time I finally realized they didn't know who I really was and didn't care to make the effort to find out. After this day, my parents and I never talked about my depression or therapy again.
~ e.e. cummings"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."
Slowly over time, with the help of Nicole, I began to build confidence and gain strength. I learned how to be more assertive and set boundaries in relationships. I no longer allowed friends and family to recreate such a hurtful past. It wasn't until my roots were set firmly that I was able to dig deeper to my core and begin to heal the wounds from my childhood.
It was amazing to begin to understand how early in my life the seeds of my current shame and depression were first laid. I never before had seen the connection between the present pain that I felt and my childhood experiences. I always believed that my depression was due to my being overweight and didn't really envision how the seeds had been sown a long time ago. The day that I was able to tell that little girl inside of me that she really was beautiful and I would always stand up for her was such a powerful day. Throughout this journey I have dealt with anger and sadness and, most importantly, I have been able to grieve for the difficult times. In 3 short years my life has changed in such a way that I never thought would be possible.
I can now recognize how important it is to be mindful and present in every day life. I am able to stick up for not only myself but for that little girl inside of me who never had a voice during my childhood. Throughout this entire process, I have had to learn how to detach myself from the control that my parents held over me for so many years. Breaking through their toxic thoughts and verbal abuse internalized in my self-critic has been such a challenge, especially without my holding any blame toward my parents. And I don't blame them, because I know they did the best they could with their own internal wounds, and I've been able to accept the relationship that we have.
Every day now I take time to meditate, to connect with who I really am and who my inner child is as she is held inside of me in every moment. I take time to dance and feel free, to actively work to become more and more comfortable in my own skin. I know that as a person I am caring, sensitive, loving and adventurous; but I also know that the little girl inside of me is beautiful. I am beautiful."