A Cubero
~ John Banister Tabb"A flash of harmless lightening,
A mist of rainbow dyes,
The burnished sunbeams brightening,
From flower to flower she flies."
Notes from the Chrysalis
Rebirthing the True Self (cont'd):
"Each Self is a unique mirror of divinity,
and therefore each person births a unique creation
when he or she lets the true self be born."
~ Matthew Fox
"Before I seriously committed to therapy, I was repeating the pattern of getting in abusive relationships, being taken in by a cult of 'spiritual seekers', and constantly feeling depressed. I wanted to feel special, loved, truly seen for who I was. As an adult, I had the symptoms of PTSD and was constantly hypervigilant against 'something bad happening'. The tapes in my head were my mother's voice: 'Who do you think you are?' I felt empty. The people I attached myself to were the 'rejecting mother' type or the 'inept father' type. I was looking for someone to mirror me, and I allowed myself to be exploited and taken advantage of. If someone gave me a morsel of attention, I would give myself away to him or her.
Much of the work I have done has been to recover the part of me that went into hiding when I was so young. It was a survival method—a mechanism that protects the child from the immense emotional pain. Although this part of you is deeply hidden away from consciousness, it never dies. As I have begun the dialogue with my inner child, so much of my vitality has been restored and a sense of freedom and inner peace has emerged. The work of releasing the pain that is stored within is commensurate with the degree of liberation and peace that replaces it.
It has been the most joyful process to discover that there is a part of me that I thought was dead—is alive! It has been my experience that there is nothing more rewarding than what one gains from discovering one's true self in therapy and living one's life in accordance with your own truth. It can never be taken from you and will go forward to nurture you and those in your life.
I think of Nicole as a mentor to me; she has helped me internalize my own inner parent. I feel I have created a safe home within, a home that is never taken away, that is everywhere I go. Recently, I have confronted my mother about an episode in which she violated my boundaries. Working with Nicole has given me the courage to do this. I have developed enough self-esteem & self-worth to know that no matter what happens I am here for my inner child and am capable of keeping her safe.
Doing intense inner work in therapy offers the profound gift of having a true sense of compassion for oneself and others. I have noticed that as I see more clearly my own pain and the pain of others, the compassionate presence I can offer becomes deeper and more nuanced, opening into a wellspring of humility and gratefulness to be alive. After denying my pain for so long and then finally opening to it and committing to healing it, I realize that truly facing the pain within you liberates you to experience moments of oneness, connection and a true sense of belonging. Learning to be at home with oneself takes practice, making mistakes, and radical acceptance. Being in therapy is very hard work; however, you begin to trust your own being: your bodily sensations, perceptions, intuition, and open to the ever-present wisdom within.
N Ditz
~ Pema ChodronMAITRI OR LOVING-KINDNESS
"An image of loving-kindness is that of a mother bird who protects and cares for her young until they are strong enough to fly away. We are both the loving mother and those little birds... In cultivating loving kindness, we first learn to be honest, loving and compassionate toward ourselves rather than nurturing self-denigration. Without loving-kindness toward one's self, it is difficult, if not impossible, to genuinely feel it toward others."
The most empowering thing I have discovered in therapy is that no one is responsible for my well-being. I am the primary caretaker of my body and soul. No one can love me the way that I can love me. At first this seemed to be a terrible realization because what I felt was an existential aloneness. However, over time it eventually expanded into great joy because I discovered that I am never alone, I always have me and this is something that I can always count on. It's helped me to strive to be more real, more genuine, and more authentic.
I have learned that when we are living authentically, we are free to be imperfect, to make mistakes, to stumble and fall. We are also free to laugh at ourselves, to soothe our own fears, to celebrate our gifts and because we can now do this for ourselves, we are now free to do all these things for others. To offer these things to others is a completely new experience because it comes from an overflowing place within. The depth behind what we offer transforms the mundane into the sacred and the most defiled into the most pure."