Notes from the Chrysalis
Shedding Down to Real (cont'd):
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." ~ e.e.cummings
N Ditz
~ Mary Oliver"The pale-green moths are pressing against the screen, fluttering, they are dying to get in to press their papery bodies into the light."
A Horse of a Different Color
(A creative piece she wrote during group therapy that demonstrates the power of truly seeing another person beyond her masks and defenses and celebrating the struggle to become Real)
Hidden in a Coat
There she stood defiant and indefectible.
Decorously and indomitably dressed in her coat of solemn steel blue.
Swathed from head to toe to deflect the freezing, hurtful chill
of the world's unmindful climate. Shoulders and hands weighted down.
Surrounded on all sides by the burdens of ever ready preparedness.
Needing nothing from everyone.Venturing from her cocoon of self-doubt,
she has emerged from an isolated, cluttered but cozy sanctuary.
She peeks inside, looking to find a strong, bright light to guide her.
Finding the light, she labors to push open the door
to shared confidences and loving guidance:
a portal to anger and joy, laughter and tears, pain and healing.She struggles to shed the coat.
Beneath it are revealed the once hidden hues:
An inviting soft, true pink, a vibrant and lively green;
open, warm, and honest yellows and calm, clear pastel blues.I see her.
"Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness." ~ Shakti Gawain
~ D.H. Lawrence"You know what it is to be born alone,
Baby tortoise! ...
Your eye of a dark disturbed night,
Under its slow lid, tiny baby tortoise,
So indomitable.
No one ever heard you complain..."
The Celtic Turtle
"When I think of a turtle without her shell, I think of a little soul who is completely innocent, sweet and so very sensitive to her surroundings. In many ways that image is what many people associate with a baby. As a turtle grows, her shell grows with her. She sheds the top layer of her shell one little piece at a time throughout her entire life. Her fragile body and soul is always protected against the elements.
I learned at an early age that, in order to survive my family trauma, I had to grow a protective shell of my own. As I grew up my shell did not shed, it did the opposite. It constantly grew thicker for much needed protection- plus an artificial layer, like a mask, was put on top whenever someone else was around, including family.
While wearing the mask, people would see me as always smiling, sweet, extremely patient and willing to give of myself for others(even if it was detrimental to myself). I always did what I could to make others feel comfortable and cared for. I was especially careful to shield them from my own pain, suffering and anger. I hid how fragile I truly was in my deep insides – my own true self. Then, once I was finally alone, I'd crash from pure exhaustion.
When I met Nicole I had been so confined (as if in a prison formed by my shell and mask) that I felt as though I was emotionally dying. I was also totally physically drained and in constant pain from carrying around such heavy protection for so long.
Over the many years of psychotherapy with Nicole, she has had such an important role in my life. With her guidance, patience and the special bond we share, I've slowly been able to let my inner self grow while shedding the self destructive pieces of the shell one piece at a time.
I've told Nicole many times throughout the years that I'm able to be more true to myself out loud with her than I am able to be silently with myself – alone. She has and continues to be very instrumental in helping me become more honest with not only myself but others as well. If it wasn't for her, I would have never been able to meet the love of my life and to have had an honest relationship and marriage. And I am forever grateful to her."